Cross-Cultural Friendship

One of the great themes running through the works of the late American author Paul Bowles is that of cultural incommensurability. To put it another way: people from different cultures can never really understand each other. They always just talk past each other and misinterpret each other's actions. It certainly happens that way more often than not, but it needn't always.

I have spent the last few years of my life trying to combat this simple yet noxious notion. After seeing the lack of comprehension on either side of the US cultural divide, I decided that our political discourse and our civil society would be much better if we could just learn to talk to each other and live with each other. In my mind, this stemmed straight from the fundamental Christian teaching that all proper religion is bound up in the two commandments love God and love your neighbor. And from there it seemed a pretty straight-forward conclusion that properly communicating with someone was a necessary component of loving them.

Since I had spent time in Blue States and in Red States, with Christians convinced that God-hating secularists were out to get them and then later with secularists convinced that fundamentalist Christians were out to get them, I got a pretty good handle on the sources of conflict and how feedback loops reinforced stereotypes and miscomprehension. And I just wanted to unwind those feedback loops and grind down those mountains of discourse so that everyone could see what was really at stake. Those stripped-down philosophical and cultural differences are, to a certain extent, irreconcilable, but I knew from experience that you could learn to think from the other perspective. The conversations I had had were much more fruitful. At the very least real communication had occurred.

In academics I've seen other divides, between analytic and continental philosophy, between the humanities and the sciences. And as I've traveled the same sort of thing comes up. I've also lived in Latin America, in Europe, and now in the Arab world, and in each of those places the same sort of dynamic exists in their relationship with the United States. During the Bush years, the divide between the US and Europe was stronger, but it still exists. And the divide between the Western and Arab worlds continues to be marked. In each case and in each relationship, I was convinced that a certain amount of background knowledge, a certain exposure to people on the other side of the side, a certain process of dialogue could highlight differences and similarities, and at least get people to talk about key issues that divide.

In large part I was naive.

There are vested interests in keeping barriers between people, reducing dialogue and demonizing other religions, cultures, and nationalities. Most people don't really want to communicate. Most people won't give up cherished beliefs even if confronted with evidence to the contrary. Most people prefer the comfort of the known to the gritty, time-consuming process of getting to know someone who is different.

All the same, I believe in the ethical imperative of getting to know different sorts of people and trying to communicate clearly with them. For me its grounding in the fundamental Christian commandment of love trumps other considerations, including whatever political considerations some Christians take to be sacrosanct.

In the years since Bowles wrote about Morocco, it has changed immensely. It has modernized and Westernized to a startling degree. Well...startling for Moroccans born a century ago. Bowles himself (who, coincidentally, was born exactly a century ago) prophesied much of what would come. He wrote of how Moroccan culture would become a commodity to be sold to foreigners and how that would change Moroccans' relationship with their own traditions.

So today, when I meet a Moroccan on the streets of Meknes, he has likely been raised on a steady diet of Western media aided by the recent inventions of the satellite dish and the Internet. He likely spends hours a day on Facebook or watching YouTube videos. He wears Western clothing except for the rare special occasion when he dons a jelaba. He speaks some combination of French, English, and Spanish and has a passing familiarity with chunks of each of those cultures. In many cases, he was educated in high school and university in a way that an American might find strange, but which any French person would instantly recognize. He likely adores soccer, that sport invented in England and spread the world over, yet his favorite soccer team is not to be found in Morocco, but rather across the Straight of Gibraltar. The Spanish League, after all, provides teams like Real Madrid and FC Barcelona that have no equal in Morocco. He likely takes his girlfriend (or even girlfriends) on regular dates to a cafe, in a ritual that would seem vaguely familiar to an American observer.

In short, a Westerner and a Moroccan would have a large number of points in common. Many cultural and particularly religious issues would divide the two, but they would have any number of starting points for a friendship.

And yet developing strong friendships with Moroccans has been difficult both for me and for my roommate.

For starters a large number of Moroccans view foreigners solely in terms of how much money they can make off of them. Needless to say, this is corrosive to any sort of lasting bond with them.

With others, religion is a sticking point. Last Fall I spent a fair amount of time with a Moroccan named Anass. We invited him to our Thanksgiving feast; he invited us to Eid al Kabir. He took me to the hammam once, where he introduced me to the traditional Moroccan way of bathing. I was invited to couscous. We went to coffee a few times.

The last time I was invited to couscous, his mother asked me if I knew any of the Koran. I replied that I had memorized the Fatiha, which I believe a Christian can say in good faith. She asked me to recite it and I did. Then the father entered and said I shouldn't stop there. I should also recite the Shahada, the profession that there is one God and Mohammed is His prophet, which officially makes one a Muslim. For obvious reasons a Christian cannot recite this in good faith. I politely declined.

I was never invited to couscous again.

My invitations to coffee were declined by Anass from then on. I still see him from time to time; we play soccer with the same group. But our budding friendship was pruned too severely to ever recover.

Sometimes, the pendulum of religious and moral sensibilities swings the other way, and Moroccans' assumptions about Western libertine attitudes make friendship difficult. Two Moroccans that Daniel was getting to know once offered to bring three prostitutes over to the house. Daniel replied that he never pays for sex. They said they would pay. He wouldn't have to worry about it. He declined again, trying to explain what he meant.

That's not an isolated case. A number of Moroccans we have met like to bond over binge drinking and prostitutes. A typical offer, meant in the most friendly and hospitable way possible, goes something like this: While moving his thumb underneath his chin in the typical Moroccan motion for abundance he says, "I have a lot of girlfriends. You can have one if you like." And by 'girlfriends' he means 'whores I frequent'.

The two or three Moroccans I have had the fortune to strike up a decent friendship with are generally stricter Muslims who have studied English in the university. They are familiar with American culture and mores and have grown accustomed to communicating the nuances of their culture and beliefs in English. It's not the best for my Arabic, but a true cross-cultural communication does occur. Unfortunately, they are often busy working the long hours of their blue-collar jobs (unfortunately, an English degree from the university isn't terribly helpful in the Moroccan labor market). So the time we can spend with each other is minimal.

And of course there is no possibility of us going out for a beer or two. They don't drink.

In negotiating all these difficulties I learn a great deal. I have a greater appreciation now for what the women's liberation movement has accomplished in the United States. I like that I can hang out with girls in the U.S. and listen to their thoughts and jokes over a beer in the same way I would with a guy. Furthermore, I better understand the dynamics in Muslim countries. Seeing this sort of behavior somehow makes Salafist thinking a little more understandable.

It's perhaps even more rewarding because it is so difficult. The most important thing in my mind, though, is that these conversations and friendships can and do happen. They aren't easy, but they are possible.